I truly felt lost in the world

Written on
Contribution by
Miles Wootton

Over the past year of 2020/21, my mental health personally has changed drastically.

The start revolved around March when It was announced schools would close, drawing a sharp close to my 2 years spent revising for my a-levels, which took a toll as I felt I’d wasted the 2 years struggling for nothing. My university applications fell through later on when I received my results further adding to my loss of hope for the future. I truly felt lost in the world, I had no ambitions to do anything and spent many weeks isolating myself away from family and others doing nothing.

There eventually came a time where I started to feel bad about myself and tried to make a change to my life, I began to search for a job and that has still gone nowhere, I saw peers and old friends snapping up jobs like nothing and yet here I was struggling to even see a response from a company never mind an interview. Yet again the light was fading in my mind, yet again I hid away because not trying meant I would never see the failure of my actions.

But nothing would prepare me for the results of those actions, relationships I had become strained and I split up with my girlfriend, I lost touch with friends I was tight-knit with, all I could do was cry and look at old photographs I had with them and try and hold the tears back as I reminisce on the good times I had while it worked with them. The struggles of not being able to see people never struck me as id been introverted and socially anxious for many years and despised seeing people a lot. But now I was forced involuntarily to not see them, I desperately struggled to cope with it.

I felt so close to the edge, nothing had worked and I had spent months on end living each day as wake, eat and then sleeping on repeat. I had tried all I could to tie a knot in the frayed ends that split me and my friends apart, just for some glimpse of happiness again but it was to no use.

Cue several weeks later nearing the end of 2020 and I had a popup message from an old friend wanting to reconnect after 4 years of distance, we began to talk and I opened up to her about everything that happened with me, she spoke the same, it awoke in me that I wasn’t alone in suffering, others were dealing with losses in friendships and qualifications and goals as I had done. She and I became closer to one another, we spent nights video calling and gaming together, for once I felt wanted again, I felt new hope in life. We shared feeling and counselled one another, we created little goals that we had to do each day and show each other such as making the bed or eating 3 meals a day, little things to get ourselves back on the rails. These little things boosted me, I was always introverted but the hopes that were brought on from her effect on me, I felt a lot more confident, I re-joined the job search and began gaining interviews, some unsuccessful but I kept my head up throughout, I finally faced up to an old fear and began seeking therapy to overcome my depression and anxiety, which has been a massive help to me personally.

I still have many days of no energy wanting to stay in bed days but sprinkled throughout are those sunny days where I feel I could conquer the world. I still cry and I still get annoyed at what has happened to me over the past year, that is in the past I can’t change anything. But whatever happens from now I can affect and I won’t let myself fall victim to giving up all hope, we have achieved so much and whatever happens, I want to get to see us beat the pandemic and reunite with each other in person.

I may of let the light fade in my mind at one time, but now I only want to see the light of the sun fade over the horizon each night for eternity.

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