I needed to 'dig deep, and then deeper'

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Anonymous

One thing I learned from 2020, from March onwards, was I needed to 'dig deep, and then deeper'.

With the first onslaught of the Covid 19 virus, like many people I was afraid. I am over 70 and in the range of 'statistics' and know I needed to stay safe.

I had no idea what that REALLY mean until lockdown came into force.

I am a social person, have many friends, a large family and just re-kindled a relationship. I was often out, coffee, lunches and staying over with family and friends.

Then - nothing......

After a deep breath, I started to make a list of what I wanted to do around the house and garden (and believe me I am grateful for my garden), planting, changing tings around, do some decorating in the house, several things to do and keep me busy and occupied. There were, and still are, lots and lots and lots of Facetime, phone calls, texts with jokes etc., and sometimes that was overwhelming and therefore I put my phone on silent for the major part of the day, just checking during the day in case of emergencies.

I started to dig in my garden and realised I had got to 'dig into my mind too. I started to do online courses, The Tudors, Ballots for Women, History subjects that I have always enjoyed.

By week 7, when Lockdown lifted, it was like another Spring, to meet friends BUT NOT HUG, to have a coffee, a lunch, meet outside with 6 people, all seemed so exciting.

In my head, I'm sure part of it has shut down, the part of the emotions that can lead to depression. It's like lying to myself, that 'this is great',. coffee with a friend despite the fact that I had to cancel a holiday to see my daughter in Jersey.

I dug deep in my garden, I dug deep around the house, by week 7 I had finished updating, changing, decorating so the slight release was a sigh of relief until...

Lockdown 2 and to realise that my visit to two of my 3 daughters over Christmas was cancelled and the third one wasn't allowed to visit me between Christmas and New Year.

I cried, i sobbed, I spent a day in bed and my girls called but I lied, I told them I was fine, I couldn't even cope with them worrying about me when they were trying to manage working at home, looking after and self-schooling children.

What was my disappointment in comparison to theirs?

I will tell you what my disappointment was - it was real, it was real and painful to me, it was MY disappointment, no one elses and I was entitled to it. I didn't need to share it, I wanted to wallow in it for as long as it lasted and I did.

I have suffered depression in the past and was on mild medication and I know the signs when it comes tapping on your shoulder. I felt the signs one day and it scared me.

I decided to, very consciously, to take a change in my life and turn it around.

Yes, I am going to dig deep, but not in a woe is me kind of way, but 'How lucky are you?' with loving caring people around you, and I listed the things I am truly grateful for.

And it was a long list, and I kicked myself up the backside, because I can mentally, and chose to move on and start to achieve.

Lockdown 3 - it's not 'here we go again', it's OK, bring it on..... next....and I won't/don't want to get beaten by this.

Walks, fresh air as often as I can and want too. If I don't want to walk, don't. I do not need to put any pressure on myself at all. That way I can enjoy these quiet times.

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